So much has changed in the past year and a half. I find myself a different person, a much more relaxed and carefree version of myself. I have learned to let go, to forgive, and not to worry about things that aren’t actually that important in the grand scheme of things (like the fact that I owe about $2000 in taxes – yikes!). More importantly, I am healed and I finally feel like I’m becoming the person I’m meant to be. However…of course there’s more room for growth, as always, and I must have still been holding on to something…or rather…someone. I didn’t think I was, but good ol’ universe was quick to give me (what I presume must be) a lesson and remind me that I need to let go.
I thought I was over him, I really did. And I think I was and am over him as a person, as in I would not actually have wanted anything romantic with him at this point, but there must have been a part of me that was still holding on to the memory of what was between us and what could have been. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have reacted as I have…not that I was a complete wreck or anything, but I still felt something, I hate to admit.
But let’s backtrack a bit, shall we? When I officially moved to NY a little over a month ago, I unpacked my things that have been in storage for quite some time and naturally I found things I had forgotten I even had. Among these was a gift I was supposed to give to The Man Who Made Me Crazy when I had made my first trip to NYC and was supposed to meet up with him. Things didn’t pan out for reasons I now understand but that was the last time we spoke and I was so upset at the time I cried all the way home from the airport to my apartment, which was a 45 minute drive…it wasn’t pretty.
However, even amidst my tears and anger I recognized that there was a reason this happened and I was grateful because then I was able to get out of the crazy pit I had been for a little over a year. Yes. It lasted that long. As a test to myself, I didn’t immediately throw away the gift. I hid it from myself and reasoned that my getting over The Man Who Made Me Crazy could be measured by how I reacted to the gift. It was like this:
It totally worked! By the time I found the gift again it took me a few seconds to remember what it was and why I had it. On the same day I found it (and threw it away), I found out my ex, the one I thought I would one day marry, just got engaged. I was really proud of myself that day. I was handed what would once have been a double-whammy, and I felt nothing but happiness for my ex and just straight up nothing for The Man Who (Once) Made Me Crazy. Gave myself a double pat on the back that day and moved on with my life.
And then a few days ago I got a Facebook notification that a girl liked a photo I had posted on The Man Who (Once) Made Me Crazy‘s wall about 3 years ago. Naturally, I was curious so I clicked on her profile…and found out that she had just gotten engaged to The Man Who (Once) Made Me Crazy…
My reaction was not the same as when I found out my ex got engaged. I was affected. I was hurt. But then I investigated my feelings and realized it was not my heart that was hurt, it was my pride. Because HOW DARE YOU GET ENGAGED BEFORE ME!?!? And once I realized what I was really feeling I had to laugh at myself. I mean, it’s not like he found happiness before I did – I’ve been happy – this whole blog is a reflection of that! Besides, I really shouldn’t be upset over someone else’s happiness; that’s just petty. So after venting a bit to my friends and making fun of myself I had to once again thank the universe for teaching me a lesson, or perhaps giving me a reminder that it’s time for me to move on. I’ve got a feeling I have a lot of other things heading my way and I should look ahead of me instead of constantly looking behind me, even if it’s just a glance or two. So thank you, universe, for once again having my back. 🙂