A friend of mine sent me this article on the difference between soulmates and life partners and it totally resonated with me. Every relationship, situationship, whatever-it-was-tionship since my ex had been like fireworks. Brilliant, beautiful, extremely intense and all encompassing, then inevitably fizzing out. I saw this pattern in myself and after the last one I knew that no matter how good it felt at the time, how amazing the connection seemed to be, it just wasn’t sustainable and more importantly, at the end of the day, it’s not what I want to come home to. So I knew this, and in fact I’ve known this for some time now, but I hadn’t realized that although my mind understood this, some part of me still couldn’t let go.
Underneath the logic of my mind my heart was apparently still defining love as that all encompassing, passionate, you-know-my-soul kind of connection, I-just-met-you-but-I-feel-like-I’ve-known-you-forever type of feeling. The kind you see in movies and read in books but don’t think is actually possible…until you feel it and it’s like, oh shit, it’s totally possible, but now you’re crazy.
What I thought I wanted, I actually had with The Man Who (Once) Made Me Crazy and even the one before him. I acknowledged they were a major part of my growth and got over them. But although I never really wanted to be with The Man Who (Once) Made Me Crazy after it didn’t work out, for some reason, he kept on resurfacing on my mind over, and over, and over, and over again. So then I would do a little
stalking investigating and find that when I would see his pictures or read his posts I would feel…nothing. So WHY then, WHY was I so obsessed??
It has been driving me nuts! But then I found out he got engaged and it forced me to really face it. So face it I did and as I was brushing my teeth and talking to myself about it, I had an epiphany! It actually had nothing to do with him, as a person, at all! I had been over him romantically the day I cried my eyes out from the airport. What it actually was, was my inability to let go of my idea of love. Every time I thought about him, what we had, or what could have been, I was really thinking about love and coming to terms with realizing it’s not what I actually want – well, at least not how I was defining it. And the real reason I was upset over his engagement wasn’t because I wanted to be the one engaged to him or even due to some petty wish that I would have gotten engaged first. As it turns out, the real reason I was upset was because with his now being unavailable, I was forced to let go of my idea of love. It wasn’t him I couldn’t get over; it was the love he represented in my mind.
Can I just say, the moment I realized this I suddenly felt so free! Like, seriously, it was as if I was carrying a burden this whole time and I finally realized I was carrying something I didn’t have to.
Given that, I decided to contact him to say congratulations and to thank him for helping me grow as a person. I didn’t expect a reply but as it turns out he was really glad to hear from me and told me that I had also made a great impact in his life. That warmed my heart. When people tell me I’ve done or said something inspirational it means the world to me.
I am now at peace and just so, SO happy with my life. I have not yet found my Sunday kind of love (nor am I really looking), but for now, alone time Sunday is the love of my life. Have I mentioned how much I love upstate New York? 🙂
This past Sunday I went to Taughannock Falls and as usual, the greenery blew me away. Can’t wait to go back in the fall!
And that, for now at least, is my Sunday kind of love. 😉