They sent me to Binghamton

I've always wanted to be on the east coast, and the universe responded…by sending me to Binghamton, NY. Oh you've never heard of it? Neither had I, but I do so love adventures and that's how I choose to view this. Let the adventures begin!

When Crazy Comes Knocking On Your Door

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I like to think of myself as centered. Logical. A woman who makes smart decisions. Someone who has a big heart but doesn’t let it get in the way. Able to see things from other people’s perspectives. Compassionate but still able to give out tough love when needed. But then, crazy comes knocking on my door and suddenly all of that goes out the window.

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I’m old enough to know better than to be in denial about my feelings. I’ve already experienced what happens when I pretend I don’t feel a certain way. It’s better to acknowledge it so that I can actually do something about it. Otherwise I may as well try holding back the waves with my hands. I’m better off admitting that the water isn’t smooth any longer, go get a surfboard, and learn how to ride the waves out. Or better yet, don’t go to a place that has waves. Do like TLC and don’t go chasing waterfalls. Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.

Well. Best laid plans and all…

So nothing dramatic happened or anything, but I did have a few days of emotional surges. My heart started feeling things it had no business feeling. I could feel myself being drawn into the crazy pit again but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Worst yet was the fact that I knew this is what would happen if I let him in again. And yet…and yet…

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Ok, so not quite as dramatic but there were definitely feelings. I don’t really know how to explain the feelings because they weren’t quite the same feelings as before but I do know they’re feelings that are not appropriate to have towards someone who is already taken. It doesn’t matter that I’m not the one initiating conversation…as my friends have so kindly told me, I shouldn’t have replied the moment I felt uncomfortable or better yet, I shouldn’t have replied at all. Sometimes I wish I had never cracked the door open again on this and stayed in the safe zone, but it is what it is.

Then at the same time I had a new dude in my life who seemed to be following the modern rules of dating engagement. The whole, one foot in, one foot out, don’t commit to any plans, “go with the flow,” and then pretend there’s something wrong with your phone when called out on it. Aziz Ansari wonderfully explains this phenomenon known as modern dating in his book that is aptly named, Modern Romance. I highly recommend reading it. For now, allow me to share a pie graph that accurately depicts my feelings on the matter.

even

So yeah…I’m going to stick to my solo adventures and hanging out with my kitties until I can get my shit together. Because really, I’d rather be alone, reading books, traveling, and doing what I do best, than to feel alone, constantly looking at my phone, responding to someone I shouldn’t be while waiting for someone else to get back to me. This is not the kind of life I want. These are not the people I should let in. It’s time for me to re-center myself and allow the universe to work its magic so I can be at peace again. Boys, bye.

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Author: lorz46

When I first started this blog, life had just thrown me a curveball by sending me to the middle of nowhere in upstate New York right smack in the middle of winter from my hometown in sunny, southern California. I had no idea what to expect, how long I would stay, or even where my life was heading. All I knew was that there were a great many adventures to be had after they sent me to Binghamton.

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