Because, sometimes, it really is just that simple. 🙂
I first saw this a few years ago but it never fails to make me laugh.
I had intended to go to Taughannock Falls (I have no idea how to pronounce that) for my Sunday Funday but unfortunately, my school work took me way longer than I anticipated (as in 6 hours to get half of my homework done!). By the time I was finished, it was already early evening and my head felt like it was going to explode.
I would’ve loved to lay out by the pool and just hang out for an hour or two, but unfortunately fall is coming around the corner and the weather did not allow this.
For some reason I was feeling extremely agitated so rather than go straight home, I settled for going to my now favorite spot in the park across the street from me.
I don’t know why the swing seemed to be exactly what I needed at that moment. Maybe because it’s reminiscent of my childhood and being rocked to sleep? Or maybe it’s just a reminder of childhood in general, a time when there were no responsibilities and my biggest worries seemed to be whether I can still wear a cute dress and play on the monkey bars at the same time. I’m pretty sure the only thing that would’ve made that moment better is if I had some bubbles I could’ve blown. I don’t know why, but that seems to soothe me whenever I’m stressed.
In any case, as soon as I sat on the (admittedly too small for me) swing, my mind immediately felt at peace. That zen-like, happy feeling I felt when I first moved here settled over me and I began to reflect on where I was in my life and how I never would’ve imagined, even at the beginning of this year, that it would be like this. I am so grateful for all the things that have happened this year. I’ve made some lifelong friends here, I have job prospects (yes, plural!) should my current job not work out for me, and best of all, I am finally at peace. Even that one niggling feeling that would not go away I have finally come to terms with. Sometimes, it really is just about letting go completely. I may not understand, my feelings may change later on, but for now, I accept them.
Someone here referred to me as a free spirit because of all the road trips I’ve taken and traveling I’ve done, even just since moving here to Binghamton. I am very flattered. Traveler and adventurer-seeker I may be, but free spirit? Not so much. I am too type A for that. I still always need to have some sort of plan in my mind, even though I no longer try to make a 5-year, 10-year, 15-year plan in my mind. I’m just trying to make it till the end of this year, and I still don’t have that much figured out yet. The best lesson I’ve learned since moving here though is just to let it go and see where life takes me. Choose the path that I really want even if it may seem risky. Walk down that road even though it seems scary and totally unfamiliar. It’s ok sometimes not to have a plan B, C, and D in place. It’s ok to put in work, send happy thoughts out to the universe, and trust that it will take care of you. I don’t think I’ll every truly be a free spirit and just completely let go but that’s ok. I’ve learned to let go just a little bit and not worry that I don’t know what’s in store for me in the future. Well. I still worry. Just not as much. 😉
I am a worrier. I especially tend to worry about things way in the future that I have no business even thinking about. To give you an example, my sophomore year in high school I was telling my mom about how worried I was about not being able to find a job after college. Yeah…
Since moving to Binghamton though I’ve done a pretty good job of not worrying so much about not knowing what the future brings, or where I’m going to be by the end of summer, or not having a plan of some sorts. I’ve just had this feeling of rightness since moving here and have been cruising on zen control for the past few months. But you know, you can’t really just turn the switch off on your nature and unfortunately it is in my nature to worry about the unknown. Some are afraid of change. Others are afraid of the future. I, on the other hand, am extremely afraid of the unknown. I’m ok with plans changing, my life drastically changing, the future not ending up as I originally thought it would…that’s all gravy. But when I don’t know what’s going to happen?
I just really hate not knowing things because then I can’t plan accordingly. I can’t figure out what to do or what I should do or even what I want to do. The worst is when I don’t know what I want because then it’s like, wow, I have no idea where to go from there. Luckily, I do know what I want right now. I want to stay on the east coast, preferably exactly where I am at the moment. Yes, that’s right, folks. I actually want to stay in Binghamton. My heart isn’t completely set on Binghamton (it is set on the east coast though) but that would be my preference.
So as much as I’ve loved being in zen lala land I think it’s time I actually do something about my situation. I fully understand that it’s possible my plans will fall apart and things are going to happen the way they’re going to happen, but I’m a firm believer in going after what you want.
The universe did its thing by getting me out here. Now it’s my turn to figure out how to stay.
But I also need to remember not to needlessly worry in the process…
A friend of mine recently turned 25 and said something along the lines of,
“Quarter of a century! How scary!”
To which I responded,
“Girl, don’t EVEN! It only gets better from here!”
She’s not that much younger than me. In fact, she’s only about three years younger but ever since the age of 23, I have felt the difference of each passing year. I’m not sure if it’s going to be like this past 30, but I’m convinced that each year in your 20’s is a significant jump in terms of lessons learned and maturity. In fact, I can hardly even relate to my 25-year old self anymore. If I were to meet my 25-year old self, I would look at her, smile, and fist-bump her. I would tell her,
“Girl, you keep doing what you’re doing. Keep on having fun and enjoying the single life! Now, there’s going to be some craziness next year, but for now, you do you, boo!”
Perhaps I’m going to look back at this and think I’m full of shit and I really haven’t learned a thing, but I really don’t think that’s the case. If anything, I think I’ve grown so much because I’ve made mistakes, learned from them, then decided to do them again…and again…and again…until finally I stopped being so stubborn and stopped trying to do something or be with someone who was clearly wrong for me.
I started thinking about how much I’ve changed over such a short amount of time and what experiences I’ve had. Let’s go back five years, shall we?
Ah yes. This was such a significant year for me because of all the things that happened. I got promoted, finally started being comfortable with my lead position at work, I was with someone I really loved, I bought my first home – I really thought I knew exactly where my life was going. Really, I did. I was convinced that although most people didn’t start knowing who they were until they were in their thirties, I knew who I was at 23. Go me. And then…
My then-boyfriend and I split up at the beginning of the year. It was a good breakup, as far as breakups go, which meant that we got back together shortly after we broke up…and then we broke up again. I didn’t see that one coming at all. Looking back, there were all these signs and red flags that we were not meant for each other, but stubborn person that I was (and still am), I chose to ignore them. To this day I have not felt as much heartache as during that time. Heart break is no joke, man. It felt like someone took my heart and shattered it in slow motion.
I have to say though, that year was also a lot of fun once my heart started to heal. It was the beginning of a fantastic, ultra-single type of life that I most definitely lived to the fullest! Go me!
The next two years was basically a roller coaster of ups and downs as I dated different guys. In fact, during that time I was really starting to fall for this guy who ended up choosing his ex over me. So what did I do? I decided to contact my ex and we started seeing each other again…yeeeeaaah…all my friends just looked at me, dumbfounded, but they knew I had to learn the hard way. Folks, he/she is your ex for a reason. Remember that reason because more than likely, that reason is still there.
And then…HE came into my life and thus The Crazy Period started.
Although I never ever, ever, want to feel that way again, I’m glad for the experience because now I can relate to girls when they say that a guy has made them crazy. It’s true, my friends. They really can cause you to willingly jump in the crazy pit and stay there for an indefinite amount of time. Mine lasted a little over a year…And if you think you’re some exception, you’re wrong. No one is exempt from this. Not saying it happens to everyone, just saying that the possibility is definitely there.
The universe must’ve had plans for me though because even when I still decided to go back to The Man Who Made Me Crazy after the first time I cut things off, the universe made sure that something even bigger happened so that I finally walked away. It hurt. Not as much as the breakup with my ex, but it still made me cry…and I hadn’t cried over a guy since the first time my ex and I broke up.
After I finally crawled out of the crazy pit, I realized that I actually had a lot of things within myself that I needed to fix, guy or no guy. I had a lot of anger and hate inside of me that was essentially poison. It was preventing me from truly being happy. So then I made a conscious effort to let go and forgive because I knew that it wouldn’t do anyone, especially me, any good to keep harboring such negative feelings. Then guess what happened? The universe finally sent me to the east coast and I seriously haven’t been this happy in my life EVER. Letting go has been the best decision I have made thus far.
Five years doesn’t seem like a long time, yet seems like a long time. I was a very different person five years ago and I’m sure I will be a very different person five years from now. Unlike my 23 year old self, I have come to terms with the fact that I am just now getting to know myself and I have no idea what the future brings for me. All I know is that every year is just going to keep getting better.