When Crazy Comes Knocking On Your Door

I like to think of myself as centered. Logical. A woman who makes smart decisions. Someone who has a big heart but doesn’t let it get in the way. Able to see things from other people’s perspectives. Compassionate but still able to give out tough love when needed. But then, crazy comes knocking on my door and suddenly all of that goes out the window.

I’m old enough to know better than to be in denial about my feelings. I’ve already experienced what happens when I pretend I don’t feel a certain way. It’s better to acknowledge it so that I can actually do something about it. Otherwise I may as well try holding back the waves with my hands. I’m better off admitting that the water isn’t smooth any longer, go get a surfboard, and learn how to ride the waves out. Or better yet, don’t go to a place that has waves. Do like TLC and don’t go chasing waterfalls. Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you’re used to.

Well. Best laid plans and all…

So nothing dramatic happened or anything, but I did have a few days of emotional surges. My heart started feeling things it had no business feeling. I could feel myself being drawn into the crazy pit again but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Worst yet was the fact that I knew this is what would happen if I let him in again. And yet…and yet…

Ok, so not quite as dramatic but there were definitely feelings. I don’t really know how to explain the feelings because they weren’t quite the same feelings as before but I do know they’re feelings that are not appropriate to have towards someone who is already taken. It doesn’t matter that I’m not the one initiating conversation…as my friends have so kindly told me, I shouldn’t have replied the moment I felt uncomfortable or better yet, I shouldn’t have replied at all. Sometimes I wish I had never cracked the door open again on this and stayed in the safe zone, but it is what it is.

Then at the same time I had a new dude in my life who seemed to be following the modern rules of dating engagement. The whole, one foot in, one foot out, don’t commit to any plans, “go with the flow,” and then pretend there’s something wrong with your phone when called out on it. Aziz Ansari wonderfully explains this phenomenon known as modern dating in his book that is aptly named, Modern Romance. I highly recommend reading it. For now, allow me to share a pie graph that accurately depicts my feelings on the matter.

So yeah…I’m going to stick to my solo adventures and hanging out with my kitties until I can get my shit together. Because really, I’d rather be alone, reading books, traveling, and doing what I do best, than to feel alone, constantly looking at my phone, responding to someone I shouldn’t be while waiting for someone else to get back to me. This is not the kind of life I want. These are not the people I should let in. It’s time for me to re-center myself and allow the universe to work its magic so I can be at peace again. Boys, bye.

The Clueless Rebel

This past weekend I did my first hike of the summer. I was trying to figure out why I hadn’t gone on any hikes before this weekend considering it’s already mid-summer and summer is short around here. Then I realized it’s because I could barely walk. Ah. That is a critical component of hiking so no wonder.

But no matter, at least I can walk with barely a limp now so I’m ready! And for my first hike I decided to go to Letchworth State Park, which is considered the Grand Canyon of the East. In hindsight I’m not sure why I thought that would make a good first hike considering it’s 7 miles one way, but in the end it didn’t matter. I got lost and inadvertently turned around about 2 miles in so yeah… that happened last time too…sigh…

But whatever, I got some pretty cool pictures and was able to relax a bit.

I noticed the waterfall seemed a lot more dried up than the last time I was there in September. It wasn’t as powerful but it was no less majestic. In fact, because it was pretty dried up you could actually go down on the river bed, which I did.

Not shown here is a man wearing a bright yellow shirt walking towards me, almost ruining this shot for me.

Also not shown here is me getting kicked out by said man in the bright yellow shirt because apparently you’re not supposed to be down there… Oops… but I took one last shot before I got out. Take that, bright yellow shirt man!

After my short hike I decided to go home. Well, more accurately, my stomach decided it was time to go eat and my stomach pretty much rules all so off I went. On the way home I noticed a few places where one could pull off to the side and check out the overlook. So this one did just that.

Then a child kindly informed me that sitting on the ledge was unsafe and started explaining to me the dangers of what I was doing. Boy, I just couldn’t win that day! 😁

So in conclusion, I found that I am a clueless rebel who has a terrible sense of direction. Next time, I swear I’ll be successful in finding and completing the trail AND won’t break any rules!

Turning Thir-thir-thirty

Around ten years ago my younger cousin was teasing me about entering my twenties and how I was “getting old.” I responded that I wasn’t old until I turned thirty, jokingly saying that it was so old I couldn’t even bring myself to say it.

“I’m not old until I turn thir…thir…thir…”

Well, on my thirtieth birthday said cousin sent me a text message that simply read,

30.

Touché, little cousin. 😂

It’s funny how ten years ago I truly did think 30 was old, even though I was joking about it. On the other hand, now I get it when people older than me would tell me back then that you don’t really start knowing who you are until you’re thirty. I was also told that it’s all downhill from there, at least physically. Do I agree? Absolutely.

For the first time I feel comfortable in my own skin. I know who I am and I’m unapologetic about it. Oh you think it’s weird that I’d rather be by myself than hang out and party? Don’t care. You think it’s strange that I’d rather meet people somewhere rather than carpool even if it means driving alone for 3 hours? I don’t feel the need to explain. I only invited certain people to celebrate my birthday with me and you weren’t one of them, so now you feel hurt? Well…I do feel bad about that but I’m also no longer giving priority to other people’s feelings when it means sacrificing my own happiness.

Physically, I’m probably in better shape now than I was in my twenties BUT I’m noticing aches and pains that I didn’t have to deal with in my younger years, even though I was also active then. I also noticed that I have to try a lot harder with my diet to maintain my size and fitness level, something that had never been an issue in the past. Would I trade my thirty year old self for my younger twenty-some year old self? Well… only if I get to keep my thirty year old mind. Otherwise, nope.

Above all how I feel about entering my thirties is captured perfectly in this photo:

I feel an immense joy and excitement at where I am in my life, physically, emotionally, professionally, and just everything-ally. I never could’ve imagined life would turn out this way for me and I am truly grateful for being this blessed. Throughout the drastic changes in my life that occurred in my twenties I’ve had tremendous support from my family and friends (both new and old). I’ve reconnected with people in my past I had previously let go of, I’ve let go of people who were toxic or detrimental to my growth, and I’ve met various people in my travels that though our acquaintance was brief, still left a meaningful impression on me.

I cannot wait to see where life takes me next!