This post has been a long time coming. At this point I’ve been out of Binghamton for two years and I am better able to see that time for what it was and how much it meant to me.
I have to admit, the first couple months after I left Binghamton I felt much more myself – alive, joyous, and excited. On the flip side of that I felt some shame because if I felt so alive being out of Binghamton, what had I been doing while I lived there? Had I inadvertently killed parts of me? And if so, why had I stayed for so long? I called it my “pause” in life…but that pause lasted 7 years. That is a long ass pause.
After sitting with my anger that was geared towards myself and the shame that came with it, I began to remember the beautiful parts of my time there.
I remembered how much volunteering and giving back to my local community mattered to me.
I slowed way the eff down and remembered how much I loved the little things in life – like walking, being in nature, long drives that weren’t in traffic, staring outside as the wind blew the leaves in the tree.
I learned how much I enjoyed my own company and how alone was most definitely not lonely for me. I loved the inner world I discovered within myself.
And the parts of me I shut down, specifically the importance of cultural diversity and being surrounded by people who innately understood the struggle of being a minority, if I hadn’t experienced living in a pretty homogeneous society where I stood out without even trying I don’t think I would have understood how important to me this was.
Growing up in Los Angeles in a very culturally diverse setting, I took for granted that the people around me had different backgrounds and so conversations were rich with differing points of view and rarely did I get questions like “do you work at a nail salon?” or comments like “oh I had one friend who was Filipino too.”
I didn’t understand that I lived in a bubble too. And I definitely didn’t understand how much I took for granted the unspoken support and acceptance of my difference rather than feeling like I had to explain myself or tap down my anger when people around would say something ignorant. I had to open my perspective and understand that not everyone grew up the way I did or cared to travel as much as I do and so they did not have exposure to different cultures. And I also learned that never again will I live in a homogenous environment. It is incredibly exhausting.
I was so focused on the negative parts of living in Binghamton I had forgotten all the beautiful parts of it.
I was chastising myself for choosing to move there and staying for so long and had forgotten the joy and freedom I felt during that time of my life. I honestly hadn’t felt true happiness until I moved to Binghamton. It was during “the pause” that I learned how to be present and remembered that it’s about the little things that bring you joy in life – not where you are, not what you’re doing, and not even the people surrounding you. Those things are important too but at the end of the day it’s how you feel about the life you’re living.
And so where am I today?
I feel gratitude for my time in Binghamton.
Amusement that my pause was as long as it was.
Acceptance that my pause was as long as it was.
Understanding that my timing was perfect and exactly as it should be.
Excited about this new phase in my life.
Reminded that “pausing” is essential for my inner peace and well-being.
Hopeful about the future and what new adventures it can bring me.
Oh, and I’m now at the Big Apple. Exactly where I should be and at exactly the right time. 🙂
Thank you so much for being a part of my journey while my “6 months in Binghamton” turned into 7 years. It’s time for me to close this chapter and start fresh.
They sent me to Binghamton 