Saying Goodbye to Binghamton

This post has been a long time coming. At this point I’ve been out of Binghamton for two years and I am better able to see that time for what it was and how much it meant to me.

I have to admit, the first couple months after I left Binghamton I felt much more myself – alive, joyous, and excited. On the flip side of that I felt some shame because if I felt so alive being out of Binghamton, what had I been doing while I lived there? Had I inadvertently killed parts of me? And if so, why had I stayed for so long? I called it my “pause” in life…but that pause lasted 7 years. That is a long ass pause.

After sitting with my anger that was geared towards myself and the shame that came with it, I began to remember the beautiful parts of my time there.

I remembered how much volunteering and giving back to my local community mattered to me.

I slowed way the eff down and remembered how much I loved the little things in life – like walking, being in nature, long drives that weren’t in traffic, staring outside as the wind blew the leaves in the tree.

I learned how much I enjoyed my own company and how alone was most definitely not lonely for me. I loved the inner world I discovered within myself.

And the parts of me I shut down, specifically the importance of cultural diversity and being surrounded by people who innately understood the struggle of being a minority, if I hadn’t experienced living in a pretty homogeneous society where I stood out without even trying I don’t think I would have understood how important to me this was.

Growing up in Los Angeles in a very culturally diverse setting, I took for granted that the people around me had different backgrounds and so conversations were rich with differing points of view and rarely did I get questions like “do you work at a nail salon?” or comments like “oh I had one friend who was Filipino too.”

I didn’t understand that I lived in a bubble too. And I definitely didn’t understand how much I took for granted the unspoken support and acceptance of my difference rather than feeling like I had to explain myself or tap down my anger when people around would say something ignorant. I had to open my perspective and understand that not everyone grew up the way I did or cared to travel as much as I do and so they did not have exposure to different cultures. And I also learned that never again will I live in a homogenous environment. It is incredibly exhausting.

I was so focused on the negative parts of living in Binghamton I had forgotten all the beautiful parts of it.

I was chastising myself for choosing to move there and staying for so long and had forgotten the joy and freedom I felt during that time of my life. I honestly hadn’t felt true happiness until I moved to Binghamton. It was during “the pause” that I learned how to be present and remembered that it’s about the little things that bring you joy in life – not where you are, not what you’re doing, and not even the people surrounding you. Those things are important too but at the end of the day it’s how you feel about the life you’re living.

And so where am I today?

I feel gratitude for my time in Binghamton.

Amusement that my pause was as long as it was.

Acceptance that my pause was as long as it was.

Understanding that my timing was perfect and exactly as it should be.

Excited about this new phase in my life.

Reminded that “pausing” is essential for my inner peace and well-being.

Hopeful about the future and what new adventures it can bring me.

Oh, and I’m now at the Big Apple. Exactly where I should be and at exactly the right time. 🙂

Thank you so much for being a part of my journey while my “6 months in Binghamton” turned into 7 years. It’s time for me to close this chapter and start fresh.

A Collective Pause

This COVID-19 global pandemic is absolutely horrifying. As of today, the estimate of total number of deaths from the first wave of the pandemic in the United States is around 93,765 and that’s assuming the state issued social distancing continues through April. The estimate on hospital beds and ventilators shortage is staggering, and let’s not even talk about the desperate need for more personal protective equipment (PPE) across the nation. Then, riding off the coattails of the pandemic is the economic downturn as a result of the social distancing mandate, not to mention the mental health impacts to everyone who is now forced into isolation when humans are meant to be social.

It just straight up sucks.

And yet…these past three weeks have been such an unexpected gift for me. The sudden free time I have. The alone time I always said I needed more of now served on a silver platter all day, everyday. The jolt of reality as all of my plans got cancelled and a new normal started to emerge forced me to reevaluate my life, pre-COVID-19. If I was so ecstatic as my plans got cancelled one by one, what was I doing planning to go to all of those events? As I spend more time these days consciously reaching out to my family and good friends, where did I go wrong that this wasn’t something I prioritized before the world went on lockdown? As I finally got adjusted to working from home and realizing I only gained about 30 minutes each day due to a short commute, how is it possible that I’ve gained more than 30 minutes each day to do something that I loved, just because?

The news is horrible, this is true. But what I’ve also found to be true is that I have never felt as present as I do these days. Why? Because it is the only thing within my realm of control right now, and frankly, that has always been the case and always will be the case. I’ve always known that intellectually but only recently have I realized I didn’t quite live it. In my pre-COVID-19 life, everything I did was a step towards some end goal I arbitrarily decided on without ever evaluating if I was enjoying myself or happy during the process. Process? What process? Who cares? Did I achieve the thing? Then once I achieved the thing I was on to the next. But wait a minute – did I even want the thing to begin with? What was I doing? It was like I was a donkey with a carrot constantly dangling in front of my face, except I was also the one holding the carrot.

It’s like this virus hit a pause button on my life and it’s gotten me to reevaluate my priorities, how I viewed my life, and most fascinating thus far is how things that I thought were true were actually not.

For example, I was just talking to a friend about how funny it is that we now rely on technology to stay connected to our friends and family. It wasn’t that long ago there was an argument that technology is the cause of millenials and generation Z being less connected and lonelier as a generation.

A few of my introverted friends have told me they are a lot more social than they thought they were. I’m technically an extrovert but I am really loving this life. Labels played a more significant role in my life than I thought as far as how I thought someone “should” react, myself included. Now I reach out to my friends and check to see if they’re ok, even if they’re introverted and supposedly don’t need as much human interaction.

I used to make a lot more of these funny videos using snapchat filters and such and the past few months I noticed I haven’t. I told myself it was because I didn’t have the mental capacity for creativity since I was so busy doing my various volunteer and community outreach activities and that was ok. My community outreach was my priority for the foreseeable future because it was tangible and had a very clear impact whereas my goofy side and creativity was purely for me. The former was clearly more important. If it isn’t clear yet, I am very much a creature of doing vs being, something I did not realize mattered until the ‘rona showed me differently. I now know this prioritization was not ok. Both parts of me are equally important and now that I’m in this pause I realize I should have paid attention to what that part of me was trying to say. Well, I’m listening now and the creative juices have been flowing.

I’m meditating a lot more and journaling. Spending at least a few minutes reflecting on these types of thoughts. Having more in-depth conversations with friends who are having similar experiences. Or sometimes just sending a lighthearted text as a way to let my friends know that I’m thinking about them. Where did I get that from, thinking it wasn’t ok to send a text if there wasn’t a purpose to it? Or that it wasn’t ok to do something that didn’t have a specific and executable end goal?

It is so funny to think about the things I used to think were important but actually are not.

This pandemic is absolutely awful, I know. But for those of us not in the frontline fighting this war on COVID-19, I hope we use this collective pause as a time to really reevaluate what our life was like pre-COVID-19 and what we want it to be like post-COVID-19. In the meantime, if you can’t do what you do, you do what you can, as Jon Bon Jovi says.

Appreciate the moments that happened, not the ones you missed out on

One weekend, a friend invited me to hang out in the concrete jungle that is New York City. We both had a strange work situation where we still technically lived in southern California but physically spent more time in New York; him in the bustling metropolitan of Manhattan, and me in the quiet rural area of Binghamton. Because we both were in and out of both states pretty regularly it took some time before our schedules matched up, but thankfully it eventually did!

I mentioned I had never seen a Broadway show in the Big Apple before so he kindly offered to take me to my first show. We (I, let’s be real) decided on “If Then,” a show that featured Idina Menzel as the leading actress and whose title reminded both of us of a software code statement, enginerds that we were. The premise is that the lead character is presented with all these potential situations and we, the audience, are presented with the “what ifs” of different choices can she make and where it would have led. It is a story “set at the intersection of choice and chance, where the road you take meets the road you didn’t.” He bought the tickets, I drove down to meet him, and looking back…I had one of the most fun, best experiences of my life with one of the most incredible human beings I know.

The day I drove down was the day of the show. I took him to this restaurant that I had stumbled upon the last time I was in the City because I knew it was close to the theatre. He ordered escargot and convinced me to try it for the first time.

“Come on, Laura! It’s your first show tonight, why not try escargot for the first time too? It’s a night of firsts!”

Despite my misgivings, I gave in. Anyone who knew him knows how convincing and persuasive he could be. And to his credit – I didn’t hate it. Probably because it was doused in buttery garlic goodness that allowed me to ignore the fact that in my mouth was a slug that I have often seen slowly slugging in the garden, leaving a trail of slime behind…Yum.

We went to the show, which I enjoyed immensely, and then we attempted to go to The High Line. Unfortunately, it was closed by the time we got there but I have been there many times since and it is probably my favorite landmark in the City to this day. Now that I think about it, I wonder if part of the reason it’s my favorite is because he was the one who told me about it?

The rest of the night was spent catching up with his co-workers, walking the streets of the City late at night, and catching up on each other’s lives. He was always one to bounce around. I think in one year he moved from Los Angeles to Maryland, back to Los Angeles, and at the time we met up, doing the strange LA to NY thing we both were doing. I had always admired his tenacity for pursuing his dreams and not letting things like expectations of others and self-doubt stop him from doing so. In the past, I had solicited his advice because I also was looking to do the west coast to east coast move, but perhaps in not such a fast-pace as he had done.

I mention this because that night he told me he was tired of always moving, of always working so hard, pursuing his career and just…wanted to settle down.

I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what my reaction was.

He went on to explain that he meant he just wanted to enjoy life more and not just focus on furthering his career as his one and only priority.

He wanted to change careers to something less demanding.

He wanted to move to San Diego.

He wanted to buy a house.

He wanted to spend more time with friends and family.

He wanted to fly planes again.

He wanted to put fitness as a priority again.

Well, I told him, I couldn’t help with the other things he mentioned, but I could help with the fitness part. So the next morning, despite being out until about 1 in the morning, I signed us up for a CrossFit class at 8:30am. That’s the thing about him. He was always game.

Then we went out for breakfast, talked some more, said our good byes and parted ways.

That was the last time I saw him. We kept in contact after that weekend and he did end up doing all of the things he wanted to do, just like I knew he would. He invited me to come visit him in San Diego after he bought the house. At that time I had already moved permanently to New York so I always said that I will one day.

One day…

And this is the thought I struggle with lately, with his one year death anniversary coming up. I keep thinking about how I would say that.

“Yes, totally! One day I’ll plan to!”

Well, that one day will never come now, but instead of focusing on that, I really should appreciate the memories that I do have.

I had an entire weekend with him and it was just the two of us!

I had his full, undivided attention!

He took me to my first Broadway show and introduced me to escargot!

I have email threads with him since that was our main form of communication – thank God. Our text messages are long gone but I will always treasure our email exchanges.

Vim, I appreciated our friendship so much and I cherish the memories that we have together! It is true that we did not nearly have enough time, but we do have some very special moments together, and I will always remember that. #livelikeVim

I wonder where I’ll be in 5 years…

Packed bags when I first moved to Binghamton in February 2014

This is what I asked myself 5 years ago when I packed my bags, left my structured, routine, comfortable life, and decided to take on a temporary assignment for “6 months” in a small town called Binghamton. I had no friends in the area, I didn’t even know how to pronounce the name of the city correctly, and it was smack in the middle of winter. I couldn’t wait.

I saw this as an opportunity, as the universe finally answering my wish to be on the east coast. And screw you, everyone who said otherwise. Let my happiness be the hottest burn you ever did feel.

So, past me, let me answer your question. The growth you experienced was only the beginning, and truthfully, even now I continue to grow. It is at times joyous and freeing, and others, painful and anxiety-ridden. In five years, you don’t feel that zen, intense joy throughout your whole body as often. The sense of wonder and discovery has faded away and in its place is the desire to make a difference in the community. Binghamton is no longer this cool place you use as the central hub for your adventures; it has become home. You have established roots and in those roots you started planting your heart. In fact, you cut off your remaining tie to Los Angeles and bought a house in upstate New York. Yes, dear. A house! You have a house with a back yard, a huge deck, a basement, and recently, you bought a hot tub. You are quite literally, living the life.

You still have some anxiety and I’d be lying if I said the roller coaster ride is over. I’m sorry to say, that first year of uncertainty, when you didn’t know when work will pull you back and whether you were going to stay in California or move to New York, or which job you should take…consider that training for what’s to come. It’s not bad. You’re strong, as you already know, but what you don’t yet understand is that you actually can let go sometimes and the awesome people around you will catch you.

Also. Homeboy will continue to cause you some grief, but not at this point, 5 years later.

Oh, and five years later, you’ve come full circle, in a way. You’re back working at the place they sent you to. You are working with the same person, and you run into previous colleagues in the hallway. It’s funny how things work. This was certainly unexpected.

5 years later, you’re no longer close to some people that you wouldn’t have expected to drift away from, you become closer to some people you used to not care for, and those special few who you remained close to you are even closer with today. Every day you get to know yourself a little better and as you connect more with the realness of your own emotions and thoughts and disconnect with the expectations you have of yourself, you start to get annoyed with the fakeness of others, with the “correctness” of their responses by societal standards. You may end up losing a few through this process, but damn, do you feel so free these days.

5 years later, you’re at a point when you thought you would start looking for the next step, the next new place to move…and find that you’re unsure you want to leave. “Stay,” a voice in your mind whispered as you try to meditate for the sake of clarity rather than for the sake of falling asleep (btw, you still are not good or consistent with meditation). And so now that’s something you’re considering. Staying. Who would’ve thought? I suppose a part of me was considering that already for another year or two, but these days…I’m not sure for how long. I am, like you, 5 years younger self, unsure of where I’m going in the future or even what I want to do, exactly. And like you, I’m excited and can’t wait to see what comes next.

So…I wonder where I’ll be in 5 years?

 

What would my message be?

Slowly, my mental and emotional state are coming back to an equilibrium. My thoughts still tend towards life and death, and our relationship with death…well, specifically my relationship with death…and why we react the way we do upon hearing news of someone’s death, whether that person was close to us or not. Obviously, our reaction to the death of a loved one is vastly different than that of the death of a stranger. But the feeling of shock and sadness is the same. The “why??“‘s, “that’s not fair!“‘s is the same. The sudden slap in the face of, “oh crap, time is not limitless and you truly never know when your time is up” is the same.

Grief is intermixed with the fear that comes up when being faced with your own mortality. Along with the grief of losing a loved one comes the questions of,

“What would happen if I die today?”

“What will people say about me?”

“Have I truly lived my life to its fullest?”

“Am I living my live as if it’s temporary, because that’s exactly what it is.”

“Do I even realize what a gift I’ve been given with each day that I have on this earth?”

And to make the emotional rollercoaster even rockier, the guilt comes.

“Why didn’t I call more?”

“When was the last time we spoke?”

“Did I even ask how he was doing? Omg no I didn’t because I was so caught up in some mundane thing at the time…”

“Did he know that I truly cared about him?”

“Did I ever tell him how proud I am of him for doing exactly what he sought out to do?”

I still don’t understand why we feel this way about death. And by “we” I really mean me because who am I to say what others go through in their grieving process? But I suspect it’s not too different. And although my heart still hurts from the unexpected deaths of my cousin and of my friend, my thoughts are starting to take a more positive spin. I’m refusing to keep on turning a blind eye to the fact that I will die someday and so will all of my loved ones. Instead, I am actively thinking about how I’m living my life and how I keep nurturing my relationships that are so important to me. In a response to someone asking him what his message was to the world, Ghandi said that his life is his message, and I intend to do the same.

I am not in control of how others receive my message or how I’m viewed but what I am in control of is one, figuring out what I want my message to be and two, doing my best to ensure my words and actions reflect that message.

Once I started thinking about what my message is I realized I’ve actually felt this way for a long time, I just never consciously put words to it. If there’s one thing I hope to leave my friends and family with when it’s my time to pass, it’s this:

Be true to who you are.

A Rollercoaster of Emotions

Anger. Happiness. Guilt. Nervousness. Stressed. Excited. Joyful. Pride. Peace.

I went through all of these emotions the past couple of months in an almost cyclical pattern. You see, I had this idea to sell my condo in California, which was tenant-occupied at the time, and also buy a house in New York at the same time. I had this notion that because this was my second time around with the home buying process, I would be much calmer about the whole situation…I was wrong. By nature, the whole transaction involves people and things that are out of my control so when things went wrong, it got very stressful. It doesn’t matter how mature I’ve gotten or that I had been through this before. Oh well, it all worked out in any case and that’s really what matters.

And now?

I’m mostly happy. Life has been good. A few hiccups here and there but overall, I am very happy.

Especially, especially because lately it has become very clear to me how precious and good the people in my life are. Those who offered an ear when I was stressing out. Those who offered to help without me even asking. Those who send me cards and small gifts just because. Those who are genuinely excited for me with the things happening in my life right now, even though they also have exciting things going on in their own lives. Those who go on adventures with me. Those who make me laugh, even when I’m extremely upset. Those who listen, truly listen. And you. I am especially grateful for you, whatever role you may end up playing in my life. You make me want to be a better person. You’re showing me what I actually want…or more accurately, what I didn’t know I wanted…And more importantly, you’re serving as a spotlight, shining light on the shit that I was letting into my life simply by being you. You might just be the kindest person I have ever met and thank you for showing me that I’m worth someone like you. I wasn’t sure what it was going to take for me to really, truly let go of that one, but I guess it just took getting to know you. Screw that guy, and the other who is suddenly interested in me again now that I’m very clearly moving on.

Life

Each month, it’s always a surprise how I’m going to feel during that special time. Am I going to see a rainbow and start crying, like this guy? Am I going to start sketching on the back of an envelope and let my artish side play? Or, my favorite, am I going to be inexplicably happy and listen to Backstreet Boys all day (true story)? Well, this time, I came up with this:

(It sounds like I’m all depressed but actually, I’m quite happy. Especially because I just ate two pieces of chocolate that I got from my trip to Costa Rica).

Reality vs. Expectation

When I took my impromptu trip to downtown Corning this past weekend I was in an extremely happy state until I got an email from The Man Who Made Me Crazy. I didn’t let that get me down but the email was on the back of my mind for the rest of the night. I didn’t read it that night in fear that it would totally bring back memories and emotions that I had worked so hard to let go of, so I waited until the next day.

And guess what? I read the email…and felt nothing. Well, I shouldn’t say nothing because I did feel something, and that something was relief. I was expecting to have to stop myself from responding in a way that would start things up again. I was expecting to be bombarded with all these mixed feelings of hurt, anger, and hope, and needing my friends to slap some sense into me. Instead, I read the email and decided that it did not even warrant a response. No, sir, you do not get to start things up with me just because we are now in the same time zone and it’s convenient for you. The time has come and gone, this ship has sailed onto bigger and better things, and I am way too happy to invite that kind of craziness into my life again.

Then I got to thinking, most of the time disappointment comes from our expectations being set too high and the reality not being able to meet those expectations. And unfortunately, I feel like this happens more often than not. Well, I’m not sure what’s going on but so far the reality has been exceeding my expectations. It’s not like my expectations have been set low, either. I mean, from my co-workers being super cool out here and turning into actual friends I’d hang out with, to the people I’ve met at the gym who also are turning out to be more than just gym-buddies and actual close friends, then you have the beauty that is upstate NY along with the surrounding areas that I’m having fun exploring…it is way more than I expected. I knew I was going to be happy moving here but I really didn’t expect it to be like this, and I am just so thankful.

So cheers to life, to happiness, and to finding that reality is actually pretty damn good sometimes!

A look five years back

A friend of mine recently turned 25 and said something along the lines of,

“Quarter of a century! How scary!”

To which I responded,

“Girl, don’t EVEN! It only gets better from here!”

She’s not that much younger than me. In fact, she’s only about three years younger but ever since the age of 23, I have felt the difference of each passing year. I’m not sure if it’s going to be like this past 30, but I’m convinced that each year in your 20’s is a significant jump in terms of lessons learned and maturity. In fact, I can hardly even relate to my 25-year old self anymore. If I were to meet my 25-year old self, I would look at her, smile, and fist-bump her. I would tell her,

“Girl, you keep doing what you’re doing. Keep on having fun and enjoying the single life! Now, there’s going to be some craziness next year, but for now, you do you, boo!”

Perhaps I’m going to look back at this and think I’m full of shit and I really haven’t learned a thing, but I really don’t think that’s the case. If anything, I think I’ve grown so much because I’ve made mistakes, learned from them, then decided to do them again…and again…and again…until finally I stopped being so stubborn and stopped trying to do something or be with someone who was clearly wrong for me.

I started thinking about how much I’ve changed over such a short amount of time and what experiences I’ve had. Let’s go back five years, shall we?

 

Ah yes. This was such a significant year for me because of all the things that happened. I got promoted, finally started being comfortable with my lead position at work, I was with someone I really loved, I bought my first home – I really thought I knew exactly where my life was going. Really, I did. I was convinced that although most people didn’t start knowing who they were until they were in their thirties, I knew who I was at 23. Go me. And then…

 

My then-boyfriend and I split up at the beginning of the year. It was a good breakup, as far as breakups go, which meant that we got back together shortly after we broke up…and then we broke up again. I didn’t see that one coming at all. Looking back, there were all these signs and red flags that we were not meant for each other, but stubborn person that I was (and still am), I chose to ignore them. To this day I have not felt as much heartache as during that time. Heart break is no joke, man. It felt like someone took my heart and shattered it in slow motion.

I have to say though, that year was also a lot of fun once my heart started to heal. It was the beginning of a fantastic, ultra-single type of life that I most definitely lived to the fullest! Go me!

The next two years was basically a roller coaster of ups and downs as I dated different guys. In fact, during that time I was really starting to fall for this guy who ended up choosing his ex over me. So what did I do? I decided to contact my ex and we started seeing each other again…yeeeeaaah…all my friends just looked at me, dumbfounded, but they knew I had to learn the hard way. Folks, he/she is your ex for a reason. Remember that reason because more than likely, that reason is still there.

And then…HE came into my life and thus The Crazy Period started.

Although I never ever, ever, want to feel that way again, I’m glad for the experience because now I can relate to girls when they say that a guy has made them crazy. It’s true, my friends. They really can cause you to willingly jump in the crazy pit and stay there for an indefinite amount of time. Mine lasted a little over a year…And if you think you’re some exception, you’re wrong. No one is exempt from this. Not saying it happens to everyone, just saying that the possibility is definitely there.

The universe must’ve had plans for me though because even when I still decided to go back to The Man Who Made Me Crazy after the first time I cut things off, the universe made sure that something even bigger happened so that I finally walked away. It hurt. Not as much as the breakup with my ex, but it still made me cry…and I hadn’t cried over a guy since the first time my ex and I broke up.

After I finally crawled out of the crazy pit, I realized that I actually had a lot of things within myself that I needed to fix, guy or no guy. I had a lot of anger and hate inside of me that was essentially poison. It was preventing me from truly being happy. So then I made a conscious effort to let go and forgive because I knew that it wouldn’t do anyone, especially me, any good to keep harboring such negative feelings. Then guess what happened? The universe finally sent me to the east coast and I seriously haven’t been this happy in my life EVER. Letting go has been the best decision I have made thus far.

Five years doesn’t seem like a long time, yet seems like a long time. I was a very different person five years ago and I’m sure I will be a very different person five years from now. Unlike my 23 year old self, I have come to terms with the fact that I am just now getting to know myself and I have no idea what the future brings for me. All I know is that every year is just going to keep getting better.