Saying Goodbye to Binghamton

This post has been a long time coming. At this point I’ve been out of Binghamton for two years and I am better able to see that time for what it was and how much it meant to me.

I have to admit, the first couple months after I left Binghamton I felt much more myself – alive, joyous, and excited. On the flip side of that I felt some shame because if I felt so alive being out of Binghamton, what had I been doing while I lived there? Had I inadvertently killed parts of me? And if so, why had I stayed for so long? I called it my “pause” in life…but that pause lasted 7 years. That is a long ass pause.

After sitting with my anger that was geared towards myself and the shame that came with it, I began to remember the beautiful parts of my time there.

I remembered how much volunteering and giving back to my local community mattered to me.

I slowed way the eff down and remembered how much I loved the little things in life – like walking, being in nature, long drives that weren’t in traffic, staring outside as the wind blew the leaves in the tree.

I learned how much I enjoyed my own company and how alone was most definitely not lonely for me. I loved the inner world I discovered within myself.

And the parts of me I shut down, specifically the importance of cultural diversity and being surrounded by people who innately understood the struggle of being a minority, if I hadn’t experienced living in a pretty homogeneous society where I stood out without even trying I don’t think I would have understood how important to me this was.

Growing up in Los Angeles in a very culturally diverse setting, I took for granted that the people around me had different backgrounds and so conversations were rich with differing points of view and rarely did I get questions like “do you work at a nail salon?” or comments like “oh I had one friend who was Filipino too.”

I didn’t understand that I lived in a bubble too. And I definitely didn’t understand how much I took for granted the unspoken support and acceptance of my difference rather than feeling like I had to explain myself or tap down my anger when people around would say something ignorant. I had to open my perspective and understand that not everyone grew up the way I did or cared to travel as much as I do and so they did not have exposure to different cultures. And I also learned that never again will I live in a homogenous environment. It is incredibly exhausting.

I was so focused on the negative parts of living in Binghamton I had forgotten all the beautiful parts of it.

I was chastising myself for choosing to move there and staying for so long and had forgotten the joy and freedom I felt during that time of my life. I honestly hadn’t felt true happiness until I moved to Binghamton. It was during “the pause” that I learned how to be present and remembered that it’s about the little things that bring you joy in life – not where you are, not what you’re doing, and not even the people surrounding you. Those things are important too but at the end of the day it’s how you feel about the life you’re living.

And so where am I today?

I feel gratitude for my time in Binghamton.

Amusement that my pause was as long as it was.

Acceptance that my pause was as long as it was.

Understanding that my timing was perfect and exactly as it should be.

Excited about this new phase in my life.

Reminded that “pausing” is essential for my inner peace and well-being.

Hopeful about the future and what new adventures it can bring me.

Oh, and I’m now at the Big Apple. Exactly where I should be and at exactly the right time. 🙂

Thank you so much for being a part of my journey while my “6 months in Binghamton” turned into 7 years. It’s time for me to close this chapter and start fresh.

I understand

I understand
the world needed a reset

I understand
this is out of my control

I understand
this is needed

I understand
I am not alone

I understand
through this, we all,
as one, will learn to love

The above flowed out of my hand and onto a piece of paper when I was given the prompt, “I understand” by an online group I joined recently, created for women seeking to evolve, grow, and support each other during this time of uncertainty.  I’ve been doing a lot of that lately – joining online community groups, participating in live online well-being sessions, joining group online meditation sessions. The COVID-19 global pandemic and resulting government mandated work from home for non-essential employees has certainly caused me to reevaluate my life pre-COVID-19.

What have I been spending the majority of my time on? Who have I been spending it with? And why have I been telling myself, “I should do this more often” on the rare times I gave myself time and space to breathe, allowed myself precious recharging alone time to do something purely out of pleasure, instead of just doing it more often.

Something seems out of alignment here. And thanks to the sudden free time I always had but never thought I did, I finally am focusing on the things that matter. This COVID-19 pandemic that is completely out of my control has been like a giant flashlight showing me what is in my control. And that is what I focus on everyday, which is why everyday has been a joy to me. Go figure.

I don’t have control over what is happening all over the world. I can’t change it. The small businesses affected by this, the exponential growth of number of people who contract this virus daily all over the world, the friends and family members who cannot even have a funeral for a loved one who has passed away from this virus or from any other cause – all this brings me sadness, and if I let it, could build up anxiety.

But I don’t need to add my anxiety to the rest of the world’s. There’s too much of it already.

So instead, I let the fear and sadness wash over me…and then I let it go. Then everyday I repeat to myself the things that I know absolutely to be true and is within my control. Today, I am healthy. Today, I have food. Today, I have a job. Today, my parents are safe. Today, I get to work from home again, which is a dream come true!

Then I work from home and because I work from home, I can add an hour here and an hour there of things that I have always wanted to do but “never had the time for.” I pick up my guitar at least once a day. I meditate or do yoga. Sometimes both. I make the time to do something for my emotional and mental growth, something I’ve done in the past but not every day. I hit my home gym and post goofy pictures or videos to hopefully motivate others to keep moving or at the very least make them laugh.

This is an awful time in history, I know that. But I think this abrupt change was needed. A collective pause, time for reflection, and sense of togetherness.

Like Sam Cooke said, “A change is gonna come.”

I wonder where I’ll be in 5 years…

Packed bags when I first moved to Binghamton in February 2014

This is what I asked myself 5 years ago when I packed my bags, left my structured, routine, comfortable life, and decided to take on a temporary assignment for “6 months” in a small town called Binghamton. I had no friends in the area, I didn’t even know how to pronounce the name of the city correctly, and it was smack in the middle of winter. I couldn’t wait.

I saw this as an opportunity, as the universe finally answering my wish to be on the east coast. And screw you, everyone who said otherwise. Let my happiness be the hottest burn you ever did feel.

So, past me, let me answer your question. The growth you experienced was only the beginning, and truthfully, even now I continue to grow. It is at times joyous and freeing, and others, painful and anxiety-ridden. In five years, you don’t feel that zen, intense joy throughout your whole body as often. The sense of wonder and discovery has faded away and in its place is the desire to make a difference in the community. Binghamton is no longer this cool place you use as the central hub for your adventures; it has become home. You have established roots and in those roots you started planting your heart. In fact, you cut off your remaining tie to Los Angeles and bought a house in upstate New York. Yes, dear. A house! You have a house with a back yard, a huge deck, a basement, and recently, you bought a hot tub. You are quite literally, living the life.

You still have some anxiety and I’d be lying if I said the roller coaster ride is over. I’m sorry to say, that first year of uncertainty, when you didn’t know when work will pull you back and whether you were going to stay in California or move to New York, or which job you should take…consider that training for what’s to come. It’s not bad. You’re strong, as you already know, but what you don’t yet understand is that you actually can let go sometimes and the awesome people around you will catch you.

Also. Homeboy will continue to cause you some grief, but not at this point, 5 years later.

Oh, and five years later, you’ve come full circle, in a way. You’re back working at the place they sent you to. You are working with the same person, and you run into previous colleagues in the hallway. It’s funny how things work. This was certainly unexpected.

5 years later, you’re no longer close to some people that you wouldn’t have expected to drift away from, you become closer to some people you used to not care for, and those special few who you remained close to you are even closer with today. Every day you get to know yourself a little better and as you connect more with the realness of your own emotions and thoughts and disconnect with the expectations you have of yourself, you start to get annoyed with the fakeness of others, with the “correctness” of their responses by societal standards. You may end up losing a few through this process, but damn, do you feel so free these days.

5 years later, you’re at a point when you thought you would start looking for the next step, the next new place to move…and find that you’re unsure you want to leave. “Stay,” a voice in your mind whispered as you try to meditate for the sake of clarity rather than for the sake of falling asleep (btw, you still are not good or consistent with meditation). And so now that’s something you’re considering. Staying. Who would’ve thought? I suppose a part of me was considering that already for another year or two, but these days…I’m not sure for how long. I am, like you, 5 years younger self, unsure of where I’m going in the future or even what I want to do, exactly. And like you, I’m excited and can’t wait to see what comes next.

So…I wonder where I’ll be in 5 years?

 

What would my message be?

Slowly, my mental and emotional state are coming back to an equilibrium. My thoughts still tend towards life and death, and our relationship with death…well, specifically my relationship with death…and why we react the way we do upon hearing news of someone’s death, whether that person was close to us or not. Obviously, our reaction to the death of a loved one is vastly different than that of the death of a stranger. But the feeling of shock and sadness is the same. The “why??“‘s, “that’s not fair!“‘s is the same. The sudden slap in the face of, “oh crap, time is not limitless and you truly never know when your time is up” is the same.

Grief is intermixed with the fear that comes up when being faced with your own mortality. Along with the grief of losing a loved one comes the questions of,

“What would happen if I die today?”

“What will people say about me?”

“Have I truly lived my life to its fullest?”

“Am I living my live as if it’s temporary, because that’s exactly what it is.”

“Do I even realize what a gift I’ve been given with each day that I have on this earth?”

And to make the emotional rollercoaster even rockier, the guilt comes.

“Why didn’t I call more?”

“When was the last time we spoke?”

“Did I even ask how he was doing? Omg no I didn’t because I was so caught up in some mundane thing at the time…”

“Did he know that I truly cared about him?”

“Did I ever tell him how proud I am of him for doing exactly what he sought out to do?”

I still don’t understand why we feel this way about death. And by “we” I really mean me because who am I to say what others go through in their grieving process? But I suspect it’s not too different. And although my heart still hurts from the unexpected deaths of my cousin and of my friend, my thoughts are starting to take a more positive spin. I’m refusing to keep on turning a blind eye to the fact that I will die someday and so will all of my loved ones. Instead, I am actively thinking about how I’m living my life and how I keep nurturing my relationships that are so important to me. In a response to someone asking him what his message was to the world, Ghandi said that his life is his message, and I intend to do the same.

I am not in control of how others receive my message or how I’m viewed but what I am in control of is one, figuring out what I want my message to be and two, doing my best to ensure my words and actions reflect that message.

Once I started thinking about what my message is I realized I’ve actually felt this way for a long time, I just never consciously put words to it. If there’s one thing I hope to leave my friends and family with when it’s my time to pass, it’s this:

Be true to who you are.

Star-Crossed Lovers

One weekend I finally got to hang out with my brother’s fiancee, now wife, for a girls’ weekend. What this means is I finally got the details of how she met my brother. I had asked my brother a couple years back but in typical guy fashion, he did not give me much. The conversation basically went like this:

“So, how did you ask her out?” I asked my brother after a few drinks in.

“I didn’t. She asked ME out,” my brother replied, followed by a smirk.

Aaaand that was the end of the conversation. Typical guy. No juicy details whatsoever lol. However, as I suspected, it was not quite so simple. For starters, my brother’s wife was his apartment manager. In addition, my brother was never the type to pay much attention to the ladies, even back when he was in high school when all the girls would come up to me and say, “omg! You’re his little sister?? Your brother is SO cute!” and I would tell him. His reaction back then was to laugh and smirk, much like when I asked how he had met his wife. Then to make things even more interesting, his wife at the time barely spoke any English. So how then? How did this even start, let alone work out?

It all started with a knock on his door. When he opened the door, there she was, looking nervous but beautiful and asking him in broken English if he wanted to take a walk around the block. And then…magic.

My brother must have seen something in her that made him just know. I normally tend to roll my eyes at the cliche cheesy love stuff especially because I thought I knew twice before and I was wrong both times, but given this is my brother, who I had never seen this way with anyone before, it made me pay attention. It especially made me pay attention when they decided to continue seeing each other even after my brother moved to New York while she stayed in southern California.

“He’s moving to New York, right?” I asked my mom.

“Right,” my mom said.

“So…are they still staying together?” I asked.

“Of course!” my mom said.

My bad…there was nothing ‘of course’ about it to me…

I thought that was hard enough, but apparently, it was even more complicated than that. Timing really did a number on them. For one thing, she was planning to move back home to Mexico, which was what had given her the courage to knock on his door to begin with. Not to mention she had a work engagement the whole week immediately after their first walk together. And then, four months into dating, my brother got a job in New York and had to move. More and then, her student visa was expiring soon so she had to move back to Mexico.

So there she was, still living in southern California while my brother was across the country in New York and her friends and family were back in Mexico, with a soon expiring student visa. She had a good job lined up for her in Mexico that she had been planning to take before she met my brother. But she decided to stay.

I don’t understand. I really don’t, not going to lie.

Here was this young, independent woman, who had dreams of her own that did not involve anyone else…and yet she stayed. She is not that different from me. She’s very career-driven. There were SO many factors against them and logically it just did not make any sense. When I asked her about it she told me that her mind was telling her the same thing. The way they met wasn’t the best given the property manager/client relationship, my brother moved shortly after, she had to move to a different country not long after that, and yet it just somehow felt right to be with him, she told me.

Wow. I mean, that really amazes me. What does it feel like to meet someone that makes you realize life makes more sense with them than without them? What is it like to feel that being with someone is more important and will make you happier than following your own dreams that you’ve worked so hard for?

And then I went home (California) for their wedding and reconnected with someone at the last minute, as in literally an hour before I had to go to the airport to fly back to New York. Ah. So that’s what it’s like…and now moving back home doesn’t seem like such a bad thing after all… 😛

Letting go of the unnecessary stress…

It took me a while but I think I get it now. From worrier to warrior! …or at least to zen-ior? 😀

When The Timing Isn’t Right, Neither Is The Man

Just stumbled upon this wonderful piece of writing and the title alone spoke to me. Indeed,

“When the timing isn’t right, neither is the man.”

I used to say it all the time, albeit with a lot of anger. I was angry because of the guys in my past I fell for or was on my way to falling for who chose something or someone else over me but inevitably reached out to me later on, saying something along the lines of “I was thinking of you the other day and…” And, what, bro? Where was this when I opened up about my feelings and actually wanted to move forward with you?

The first time this happened, I was sympathetic. Oh, I told myself, we all take our own time to process things and I may have moved on but if he needs closure, I’ll be there for him. It’s the decent thing to do.

Then, the next guy apologized for what happened between us…one year later. Um. Ok…

It was so out of the blue, but still, I was gracious and told him not to worry about it, I was over it and I don’t tend to hold grudges. Oh but then the same guy decided to contact me again, this time two years later, just to say that he thought I was great. My response? “I know, right?”

I still saw the humor in it though. Like, really? I knew I was great, but clearly he didn’t. But hey, thanks for the boost in ego!

And then the third guy does this to me, even after I told him about the other two guys and how weird I thought that was. My humor and understanding at that point was gone. I was angry. I was tired of putting myself out there, trying to move forward with guys I thought would be good for me and not have it work out. That in itself I could’ve dealt with. But why, oh why, did they all have to reach out to me afterwards, basically trying to feel out if we could pick up where we left off?? WHY? I would have much preferred they left me alone because having them contact me afterwards kinda made me feel like a failure. Like, hey look, you almost had something with these guys but shucks, the timing wasn’t right! Keep trying, almost there, buddy!

It just made me so angry that all of them seemed to decide they wanted me after I was already gone. Seriously? You didn’t realize my worth until after I left? ALL OF YOU??

Naturally, my logical side told me it wasn’t my fault or theirs; it’s just what it is. Friends comforted me by saying, hey, maybe it’s just the timing and maybe, just maybe, you’ll meet again later. Alas my emotions were not having it! TIMING, MY ASS! If the “timing” isn’t right for the guy, then he isn’t the guy for me!

In retrospect, the timing wasn’t right for me either – I was not ready at that time. I had (have) a lot of growing up I still needed to do, it wasn’t just them. Since then, I have calmed down and stopped trying to analyze and categorize what purpose in my life these guys have served. I have also stopped trying to make a lifelong decision as to whether I would give them another chance if we ran into each other again. That decision should be made if that ever happened, not now when it’s just in theory.

As it turns out, I actually have come across two of the three guys many years after the fact and I see now that it likely wouldn’t have worked out anyway. And this in particular stood out to me from the piece I stumbled upon:

“if timing had my back she would have told me to fall for myself before I fell for a chapter disguised as a man”

I did not recognize it at the time because I was extremely hurt and upset when things didn’t work out, but timing actually did have my back. If it weren’t for timing, I might have actually been in a relationship with men who were not right for me. So, thank you, timing, for having my back and letting me fall for myself the past few years.

Reality vs. Expectation

When I took my impromptu trip to downtown Corning this past weekend I was in an extremely happy state until I got an email from The Man Who Made Me Crazy. I didn’t let that get me down but the email was on the back of my mind for the rest of the night. I didn’t read it that night in fear that it would totally bring back memories and emotions that I had worked so hard to let go of, so I waited until the next day.

And guess what? I read the email…and felt nothing. Well, I shouldn’t say nothing because I did feel something, and that something was relief. I was expecting to have to stop myself from responding in a way that would start things up again. I was expecting to be bombarded with all these mixed feelings of hurt, anger, and hope, and needing my friends to slap some sense into me. Instead, I read the email and decided that it did not even warrant a response. No, sir, you do not get to start things up with me just because we are now in the same time zone and it’s convenient for you. The time has come and gone, this ship has sailed onto bigger and better things, and I am way too happy to invite that kind of craziness into my life again.

Then I got to thinking, most of the time disappointment comes from our expectations being set too high and the reality not being able to meet those expectations. And unfortunately, I feel like this happens more often than not. Well, I’m not sure what’s going on but so far the reality has been exceeding my expectations. It’s not like my expectations have been set low, either. I mean, from my co-workers being super cool out here and turning into actual friends I’d hang out with, to the people I’ve met at the gym who also are turning out to be more than just gym-buddies and actual close friends, then you have the beauty that is upstate NY along with the surrounding areas that I’m having fun exploring…it is way more than I expected. I knew I was going to be happy moving here but I really didn’t expect it to be like this, and I am just so thankful.

So cheers to life, to happiness, and to finding that reality is actually pretty damn good sometimes!

I got it from my mama

“Behind every great child is a mother who’s pretty sure she’s screwing it all up.”

I’m actually not really sure if my mom feels this way or if she (or my dad) has any idea of the positive impact she (they) had on me growing up, or how big of an influence she (they) has been in shaping who I am. We don’t really do those types of conversations. Well, mother, if you ever stumble upon this post and my blog, the answer is no, you have not been screwing it all up.

I must say though…

“All mothers are slightly insane.” -J. D. Salinger from The Catcher in the Rye

My mom had to go to Connecticut for a work conference and decided that since she’ll be on the east coast, she’s going to visit my brother and me. So she was going to fly in to Newark, NJ, visit my brother in Albany, NY, visit me in Binghamton, NY, go to her conference in Connecticut, then go back to Newark, NJ…in one weekend.

Just to give a visual of what this drive looks like:

 

The reason her route is in a figure 4 rather than a circle is because I had already made plans that Saturday so she had to visit my brother in Albany first. Even if she went to see me first though, that is A LOT of driving! It’s a total of almost 8 hours!! Craziness! I think most people would’ve just either had people drive somewhere halfway to meet up or just say, sorry, I’ll see you next time. Not my mother, though. She wanted to visit her children so she found a way to make it happen. I love that. And as I get older I notice that I actually mimic a lot of the things my mom does or think the way my mom thinks. Do I think it’s crazy to drive that much in a weekend? Yes. Would I have done it myself to visit people I really wanted to see? Absolutely. And really, it’s like a 2 to 3 hour drive stretch each leg of the trip so it’s not that bad but it is still a lot of time spent in a car.

My mom making this insane weekend trip has made me realize that part of the reason my perspective about my move here is the way it is, is because she’s the same way. I don’t really see it as an obstacle to drive a few hours to do what I want to do. It’s just a path, or a step I need to take to get what I want. Ultimately I ask myself how much I really want something and if I want it bad enough, well then. I have to do what it takes, whether it’s planning out fun trips, making time for people despite everyone’s busy schedule, my career, and really, just everything in my life. One of the best life lessons I’ve gotten from my mom (and dad, because I’m blessed to have awesome parents) is, you want it? Then go get it.

And, you know, just keeping it real. 😉